Happy Pills

Brace yourself.

My favorite thing to say to myself, each time I want to see your page.

I need to be ready all the time. Ready for anything that will break my heart.

It's like Titanic's crew - doomed to perish, destined to die.

On your page, is just the same thing. I wanted to see you, and I always wish that there isn't anything blatantly bullshit on your page if I decide to do it.

But no, it's definitely there.

The stage is set for all the statements that can make me miserable.

Every little detail on the things that I don't like to know.

On what is in store for my puny mind to comprehend.

On what is my cold, senseless, and broken heart is about to undergo once I see the page load up.

Grand fuck. I have to stop doing this. Breathe in. Breathe out.

I am a daredevil as you may say. I want danger. The danger of being insane because of so much failure.

Because of the opportunities that I've just wasted. Of all the expectations that I have crumpled and burned to ashes.

Thank you. At least for asking how I am.

I don't care if that came from your heart or if it's sincere or not. I thank you so much for that simple three words of compassion that you've given me.

Really, I do thank you. Without any sarcasm, I want you to know how appreciative and glad I am that you've given a damn of how I am right now.

Do not deny me of my opinion.

Maybe you just did that to get a decent reply from me. Perhaps you've realized that your heartless and hateful questions won't get any respectful answers from me. No, scratch that. You won't get a single reply from me.

Perhaps you've thought that if you did it with more heart, then you'll get something from me.

I don't know. I am sorry for these lingering thoughts in my mind.

You might think that I am mad. No I am not. I am just devastated.

Heartbroken.

Yeah, that's the exact word.

I didn't quite understood everything. To tell you the truth, I did not understand anything. All of it. Not one bit.

All I know is that I take credit for this. For the fall of everything.

It happened at the time where I was just setting everything up. It's just like I'm this pathetic little ant trying to gather all the grains for the coming storm. And yet the storm came to soon.

The storm with all the very good credentials. All the things you want.

Dedicated.
Precise.
Respectable.
Plan-oriented.
Established.
Decent.
Optimistic.

Well, this storm is perhaps what you've been waiting for in your life. This storm is what you needed. This storm is what blew you away from my tiny little world that I was just starting to build.

Never mind. I'll go and gather all the grains myself. Perhaps someday, I'll be like, the ruler of my own ant empire.

And I'll be taking you back from that storm that took you away from me. To be my queen.

Yeah. Someday. Fucking someday. I wonder when that will be?

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, for the sincere/insincere question of how I am.

Always take care.

Happy pills. I need tons of them please.

Legga Più...

Post for Retards

This is ridiculous.
Tiresome at this point.
Let me insult myself for being insensitive for the entirety of my life being with you.
Let me shut myself up, my ego, and the whole clowning around for showing you the different faces of pain.
Let me take myself away from you, from your world, to protect you from any other harm that this cold and evil heart will deliver you.

We don't always talk. I can sleep soundly at night.
And when we talk, we argue.
And then, I couldn't give myself even a wink of peaceful slumber.

You are not blamed. And it is I who is responsible.
Let me finish this. Let me give you what you need.
A decision.
A result.
Someone who you knew a long time ago.

But that's not going to happen anytime soon.

Legga Più...

Funny, Intelligent, and Nice

Hey Blog,


Hey, how are yah? Oh, I have something for you...

There, ruminate, reflect, and destroy yourself on that piece of online parchment from someone's tumblr account.

It didn't even include good-looking. You just can't have the best in life, even if they're free.

*SIGH*

It's a great time to go Rens Sese.

I hate my life or at least most parts of it.

I hate this setup. I have to work on it real soon. Legga Più...

Smoke and Raindrops

It's raining.

It's cold and I am alone in this wide-spaced house.

I haven't eaten anything yet. Smoke and nicotine is the first item to be placed in my system after a long day of sleep.

I've never realized that I'd be this much of a smoker. Placing my life on the line just for a few breaths and puff out of that tiny stick of cancer.

I miss the times like these. Being alone on a rainy night. Just the sound of raindrops on the roof.

It gives me time to think about my life. Of how I am as a person.

But it's sad at the same time because I get to realize things that make me sad.

And how miserable I really am deep inside.

= = = =

Rain.

People love it for the joy it brings. For the coolness and calmness that it provides and how other people may consider it as a blessing on a hot and irritable day.

People hate it as much as it is loved. You curse it for coming fast and unexpected. For giving you sniffles and a bad mood. For arriving just after you've had your car washed and shined.

I love rainy days. Because of it, I feel the cold in my skin too, and not only within me.

= = = =
People may see me as the eccentric, energetic, and laugh-inducing, stunt-filled comic. I love bringing laughter and humor to the people I am with at most times. All the time to be precise. It just comes out naturally, or at least it just grew out of me. It seems that I always have something witty or funny to say about the things around me.

But in every daylight, there is night time somewhere in the world. And there is a dark and lonely image of me whenever I am with myself.

Calm and quiet, depressed and like a candle at the end of it's life. Slowly flickering and ready to be consumed by darkness.

= = = =

And it's a lot of pain being alone with the person you hate most.

And that is yourself.

= = = =

I see my life similar to a good and well-written novel.

You just love to finish it.

Legga Più...

H-Bomb

Dear blog,

Hello to you my Pinky. I don't have anything good to say nor anything useful for the world to consume. I just hate myself so much for what I have done and what I am still doing to my life and with other people's feelings. I hate myself for being so careless and thoughtless. I know what to do with things, and how to do them. But I just didn't do it the way it was supposed to be done. I hate myself simply because I am me.

I want to be another person right now. Someone a lot less significant than I am, but at the same time a thousand times better with regards to handling other people's emotions.

It's a puny display of self-respect, trying to avoid the commotion and not facing it. Yes, I know. But sometimes you just let go of your normal thought perspectives and let your mind wander about things. About how things should've turned out if I just acted accordingly.

You see Pinky, I have a knack for making people hate me. If it would be a skill that I can use to be rich, I wouldn't be blogging right now. I would be dead.

I would be hated by every single person on the planet. But I would be rich though. A dead rich man.

Because if hatred is a meat grinder, I'd be a meatball in a spaghetti. At this rate of being hated, if I was a paper, I'd be passed through a shredder for more than ten times or so, placed in an incinerator, and buried next to the Earth's core. If grudges and hatred can take a life of a person, it's goodbye world for me. And the thing is I deserve this kind of hate. The cause of that hatred is unforgivable.

There isn't anything that can represent the hatred that I've caused and the emotional trauma that I've given. It's way below the belt. A direct hit to the emotional balls of the person that produced both hate and pain. A very bad combination for a result of my stupidity.

If you can just summon all the person's grudge within them, turn it into a bullet and put my name on it, it would be the perfect Christmas gift from them to me.

It's a terrible thing. I've ruined it all. There are things that just doesn't have solutions or cures. There are things that just can't be forgiven. One of them is the cause of this pain.

And I have to accept that fact. I have to face the reality of never getting back to the how well things go the way they used to go. I have to put it in mind, that I can never do anything to bring back what I've lost. There is no solution. Things like this can never be patched up.

It's like I took all the self-respect out of the person and smacked it in her own face. It was too much demoralization.

I just had the Hiroshima bombing of my life for a simple stupid thing that could've been prevented if I acted out correctly. I lost all the good things that used to be in the spot where the Hate bomb landed. All gone. Demolished. Exterminated. And I was the one who flicked the switch.

The damage was vast and beyond repair. There is nothing that I can do.

Only time will take charge.

And I am placing all of this in time's hands. The memory of what has happened can never fade. The pain brought upon by my actions are still fresh even after a hundred years have passed.

But as time goes by, greater and much more beautiful things will come. Things that can surpass even the most irreparable damages brought.

Let time do the healing.

Things pass Pinky, I only have time to rely on to help heal the damage that I've caused. The only thing that I can do is to stay away and not let my stupidity be of any trouble anymore.

I obviously can't rely on myself to make up for the damages. I go into a stupidity berserk rage when I want to make up for things, which is by far the most unwanted acts of all. I do stupid things that only makes things worse than worst.

I hope I can get my act together.

I want to say sorry to her everyday Pinky. In the sincerest ways possible.

Sorry for the pain. This thing is unforgivable, and I accept the fact that I can never put my place back in your heart again. I will just be that stupid guy that ruined everything.

Sincerely yours,
Sancho

Legga Più...

Kenatbi

Openly Restricted
by SD

There we were, gazing on the blue sky
With endless nothingness on our minds
And overflowing longing desire for another's grasps
I run my fingers through your hair
As you drew yours upon the clouds
Building our dreams beyond the distances
But they come only as shallow
As what we cannot truly have
For long between us
I sit and stare as you walk away
I guide your path with my sight
Making sure that you're okay
Warm and cuddled by his side
And your pains burst as you
Find out about my plans this evening
With another pair of soft hands
Willing to be touched by mine
I continue to cherish you
At times you do not care about
Anything else in the world
On moments that your laughter
Is caused by another man's
Selfless devotion to you
And your endless happiness
Is brought upon by his love for you
And secretly you care for me
When I am at the embrace of someone else
When the simple curves of my lips
Are because of the sparkle
In another woman's eyes
This is how and what we are
Living and loving far
From one's caress
Feeding crazy thoughts
Into our minds
Feeling outrageous things
And sharing moments
To which did not even belong to us
But to each of the people
That truly care about us
Holding on to beliefs
Aging through the minutes
Lagging behind our thoughts
Are these feelings
Volatile and dangerous yet hoping for
Every day will pass quietly
Repeating every promise
Again and again within ourselves
Legga Più...

Prepaid

I was at my usual morning slumber, just adjusting my neck straining position from where I was lying down when I heard the usual near-crying tone of my elder sister.

Now, not that I'm a some gossip boy wannabe looking for blog material in lives of other people, it's just that that phone conversation ruined my sleep and that all that I've heard just kept getting juicier and juicier and it's like I'm listening to a radio drama.

My sister's got this long time relationship with this guy, way back from like 2nd year college or so. And she's like, what? 30-something years old?

It never got to a point where they planned for marriage or something like seriously settling with one another since her boyfriend migrated to the US and was looking for a better way to make their future pleasant.

My sister is an honest woman. I think it runs in the family. She's not some kind of lady who's up to no good and settles all her expenses on her boyfriends fund. She is a good lady and probably the one being trusted most by her boyfriend's mom a lot more than anyone else in the family.

In short, she's the perfect woman for her boyfriend. The problem is that the boyfriend may not be that much of a match for her.

Having a long term, long distance relationship could sometimes be a burden rather than be something that you can cherish.

I overheard her asking for her boyfriend's decision about them. On whether the relationship is to be given up or what. It's a sad thing that she doesn't deserve this kind of torment, as far as I'm concerned.

It's a very serious tone, just like when she's got her period or when I am overusing her laptop. But this is dead serious, like the-whole-world's-salvation-depends-on-it serious.

Anyway, most of the conversation were all based on a single "what do you want me to do, what do you want me to feel" kind of topic.

And after that, her 300-peso load just floated away without completely resolving anything at all.

And here I am, still awake because of that phone call.

Legga Più...