Monday, April 13, 2009

Happy Pills

Brace yourself.

My favorite thing to say to myself, each time I want to see your page.

I need to be ready all the time. Ready for anything that will break my heart.

It's like Titanic's crew - doomed to perish, destined to die.

On your page, is just the same thing. I wanted to see you, and I always wish that there isn't anything blatantly bullshit on your page if I decide to do it.

But no, it's definitely there.

The stage is set for all the statements that can make me miserable.

Every little detail on the things that I don't like to know.

On what is in store for my puny mind to comprehend.

On what is my cold, senseless, and broken heart is about to undergo once I see the page load up.

Grand fuck. I have to stop doing this. Breathe in. Breathe out.

I am a daredevil as you may say. I want danger. The danger of being insane because of so much failure.

Because of the opportunities that I've just wasted. Of all the expectations that I have crumpled and burned to ashes.

Thank you. At least for asking how I am.

I don't care if that came from your heart or if it's sincere or not. I thank you so much for that simple three words of compassion that you've given me.

Really, I do thank you. Without any sarcasm, I want you to know how appreciative and glad I am that you've given a damn of how I am right now.

Do not deny me of my opinion.

Maybe you just did that to get a decent reply from me. Perhaps you've realized that your heartless and hateful questions won't get any respectful answers from me. No, scratch that. You won't get a single reply from me.

Perhaps you've thought that if you did it with more heart, then you'll get something from me.

I don't know. I am sorry for these lingering thoughts in my mind.

You might think that I am mad. No I am not. I am just devastated.


Yeah, that's the exact word.

I didn't quite understood everything. To tell you the truth, I did not understand anything. All of it. Not one bit.

All I know is that I take credit for this. For the fall of everything.

It happened at the time where I was just setting everything up. It's just like I'm this pathetic little ant trying to gather all the grains for the coming storm. And yet the storm came to soon.

The storm with all the very good credentials. All the things you want.


Well, this storm is perhaps what you've been waiting for in your life. This storm is what you needed. This storm is what blew you away from my tiny little world that I was just starting to build.

Never mind. I'll go and gather all the grains myself. Perhaps someday, I'll be like, the ruler of my own ant empire.

And I'll be taking you back from that storm that took you away from me. To be my queen.

Yeah. Someday. Fucking someday. I wonder when that will be?

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, for the sincere/insincere question of how I am.

Always take care.

Happy pills. I need tons of them please.
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