Shout For Joy

Yan ang hindi ko magagawa sa mga oras na ito.

Una, walang joy para sumigaw ako.
Pangalawa, wala na akong lakas para makasigaw.

Katulad ng marami nang beses na pagbagsak ng mundo ko dahil sa mga nakikita ko sa paligid, eto nanaman ngayon ang isang rason para tanggalan ko ng karapatan ang isipan ko na makapag-isip ng matiwasay sa araw-araw.

Sinisimulan ko pa lang nang dahan-dahan ang buhay ko. Para lang ulit akong batang nag-aaral maglakad, magbasa, at matuto ng mga bagay-bagay. Inaaral ko pa lang ang paligid ko, tinuturuan ko pa lang ang sarili kong mahalin ang pagkakataon na handog sa akin ng tadhana.

Mukhang kailangan ko na lang tumingin sa malayo at pigilan ang mabilis na pagdaloy ng mga ideyang hindi kaaya-aya sa isip ko.

Hindi ko alam kung nakakatulong ba sa akin yung nakaupo lang ako sa bubong ng bahay namen tapos nakatingin sa direksyon kung san nandon ang bahay niyo.

Siguro nga, ganon na lang. Dapat na lang akong makontento don. Kasi hanggang dun na lang ang kaya ko. Matagal na akong walang karapatan para magdamdam sa nakikita ko. Kung meron man akong karapatan, tatanggalin ko na lang muna.

Tsk. Kaya ayaw kong nagiging stalker na nagbubungkal ng kung ano-anong account. Mabilis lang akong tatanda sa sama nang loob na ako lang din naman ang may gawa para sa sarili ko.

Legga Più...

May Tama Din Ako

Kanta ni JR Siaboc yan. Jay-R. Jeiyarr.

Kung paano man ang spelling niyan, ang kanta niyang yan ang hinding-hindi ko makakanta.

"You're not helping".

Okay.

Hindi ako matulunging tao. Aminado ako. Hindi ko napapaganda ang sitwasyon. Sinisira ko ito't nilalamukos na parang isang bagong bond paper na kakahugot lang sa ream na kakadeliber lang sa opisina.

Pero sino ba naman kasi ang gustong tumulong sa sitwasyon na kung saan kailangan mong putulin ang ugnayan mo sa isang tao?

Ako, ayaw ko ng tumutulong. Tapos ang usapan.

Hindi ako nakikinig. Oo, ikalawang totoong bagay na nabasa mo dito sa blog na yan.

Lumaki akong sutil at suwail. May sarili akong mundo't autistic kong maiituring ang sarili ko.

Sumusunod ako para sa ikagaganda ng mga bagay, na hindi naman din talaga gaganda kahit sundin ko.

Hindi ako nakikinig. Oo, hindi ako nakikinig at hindi ako sumusunod. Panalong-panalo para sa skillset ko ang dalawang katangiang ito.

Pero gaano ka ba kasiguradong 100 percent na maaayos ang lahat kung papakinggan kita? Bakit hindi muna natin subukan ang suhestiyon ko para saka mo na lang ako pagalitan kapag hindi umubra.

At least napatunayan naten na 100 percent ngang tama ang bagay na gusto mong pakinggan ko.

Unti-unti na akong bumibitaw sa pangarap ko.

Sana kahit kalingkinan ko eh maisabit ko pa bago ako tuluyang bumitaw at mahulog sa tunay na mundo.

Ang mundo ng katotohanan na mamatay akong nag-iisa sa buhay, nakabaluktot sa ilalim ng puting kumot, at lumuluha ang mga mata.

Legga Più...

Happy Pills

Brace yourself.

That is what I always tell myself before I proceed on reading your page.

I always have to be ready on what devastating things I will be experiencing.

It's like Titanic's crew, just waiting for the iceberg to hit, not being able to do anything at all.

Just hoping that no bullshit will be seen.

But no, it's definitely there.

The stage is set for all the statements that can make me miserable.

Every little detail on the things that I don't like to know.

On what is in store for my puny mind to comprehend.

On what is my cold, senseless, and broken heart is about to undergo once I see the page load up.

Grand fuck. I have to stop doing this. Breathe in. Breathe out.

I am a daredevil as you may say. I want danger. The danger of being insane because of so much failure.

Because of the opportunities that I've just wasted. Of all the expectations that I have crumpled and burned to ashes.

Thank you. At least for asking how I am.

I don't care if that came from your heart or if it's sincere or not. I thank you so much for that simple three words of compassion that you've given me.

Really, I do thank you. Without any sarcasm, I want you to know how appreciative and glad I am that you've given a damn of how I am right now.

Do not deny me of my opinion.

Maybe you just did that to get a decent reply from me. Perhaps you've realized that your heartless and hateful questions won't get any respectful answers from me. No, scratch that. You won't get a single reply from me.

Perhaps you've thought that if you did it with more heart, then you'll get something from me.

I don't know. I am sorry for these lingering thoughts in my mind.

You might think that I am mad. No I am not. I am just devastated.

Heartbroken.

Yeah, that's the exact word.

I didn't quite understood everything. To tell you the truth, I did not understand anything. All of it. Not one bit.

All I know is that I take credit for this. For the fall of everything.

It happened at the time where I was just setting everything up. It's just like I'm this pathetic little ant trying to gather all the grains for the coming storm. And yet the storm came to soon.

The storm with all the very good credentials. All the things you want.

Dedicated.
Precise.
Respectable.
Plan-oriented.
Established.
Decent.
Optimistic.

Well, this storm is perhaps what you've been waiting for in your life. This storm is what you needed. This storm is what blew you away from my tiny little world that I was just starting to build.

Never mind. I'll go and gather all the grains myself. Perhaps someday, I'll be like, the ruler of my own ant empire.

And I'll be taking you back from that storm that took you away from me. To be my queen.

Yeah. Someday. Fucking someday. I wonder when that will be?

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, for the sincere/insincere question of how I am.

Always take care.

Happy pills. I need tons of them please.

Legga Più...

Post for Retards

This is ridiculous.
Tiresome at this point.
Let me insult myself for being insensitive for the entirety of my life being with you.
Let me shut myself up, my ego, and the whole clowning around for showing you the different faces of pain.
Let me take myself away from you, from your world, to protect you from any other harm that this cold and evil heart will deliver you.

We don't always talk. I can sleep soundly at night.
And when we talk, we argue.
And then, I couldn't give myself even a wink of peaceful slumber.

You are not blamed. And it is I who is responsible.
Let me finish this. Let me give you what you need.
A decision.
A result.
Someone who you knew a long time ago.

But that's not going to happen anytime soon.

Legga Più...

Funny, Intelligent, and Nice

Hey Blog,


Hey, how are yah? Oh, I have something for you...

There, ruminate, reflect, and destroy yourself on that piece of online parchment from someone's tumblr account.

It didn't even include good-looking. You just can't have the best in life, even if they're free.

*SIGH*

It's a great time to go Rens Sese.

I hate my life or at least most parts of it.

I hate this setup. I have to work on it real soon. Legga Più...

Smoke and Raindrops

It's raining.

It's cold and I am alone in this wide-spaced house.

I haven't eaten anything yet. Smoke and nicotine is the first item to be placed in my system after a long day of sleep.

I've never realized that I'd be this much of a smoker. Placing my life on the line just for a few breaths and puff out of that tiny stick of cancer.

I miss the times like these. Being alone on a rainy night. Just the sound of raindrops on the roof.

It gives me time to think about my life. Of how I am as a person.

But it's sad at the same time because I get to realize things that make me sad.

And how miserable I really am deep inside.

= = = =

Rain.

People love it for the joy it brings. For the coolness and calmness that it provides and how other people may consider it as a blessing on a hot and irritable day.

People hate it as much as it is loved. You curse it for coming fast and unexpected. For giving you sniffles and a bad mood. For arriving just after you've had your car washed and shined.

I love rainy days. Because of it, I feel the cold in my skin too, and not only within me.

= = = =
People may see me as the eccentric, energetic, and laugh-inducing, stunt-filled comic. I love bringing laughter and humor to the people I am with at most times. All the time to be precise. It just comes out naturally, or at least it just grew out of me. It seems that I always have something witty or funny to say about the things around me.

But in every daylight, there is night time somewhere in the world. And there is a dark and lonely image of me whenever I am with myself.

Calm and quiet, depressed and like a candle at the end of it's life. Slowly flickering and ready to be consumed by darkness.

= = = =

And it's a lot of pain being alone with the person you hate most.

And that is yourself.

= = = =

I see my life similar to a good and well-written novel.

You just love to finish it.

Legga Più...

H-Bomb

Dear blog,

Hello to you my Pinky. I don't have anything good to say nor anything useful for the world to consume. I just hate myself so much for what I have done and what I am still doing to my life and with other people's feelings. I hate myself for being so careless and thoughtless. I know what to do with things, and how to do them. But I just didn't do it the way it was supposed to be done. I hate myself simply because I am me.

I want to be another person right now. Someone a lot less significant than I am, but at the same time a thousand times better with regards to handling other people's emotions.

It's a puny display of self-respect, trying to avoid the commotion and not facing it. Yes, I know. But sometimes you just let go of your normal thought perspectives and let your mind wander about things. About how things should've turned out if I just acted accordingly.

You see Pinky, I have a knack for making people hate me. If it would be a skill that I can use to be rich, I wouldn't be blogging right now. I would be dead.

I would be hated by every single person on the planet. But I would be rich though. A dead rich man.

Because if hatred is a meat grinder, I'd be a meatball in a spaghetti. At this rate of being hated, if I was a paper, I'd be passed through a shredder for more than ten times or so, placed in an incinerator, and buried next to the Earth's core. If grudges and hatred can take a life of a person, it's goodbye world for me. And the thing is I deserve this kind of hate. The cause of that hatred is unforgivable.

There isn't anything that can represent the hatred that I've caused and the emotional trauma that I've given. It's way below the belt. A direct hit to the emotional balls of the person that produced both hate and pain. A very bad combination for a result of my stupidity.

If you can just summon all the person's grudge within them, turn it into a bullet and put my name on it, it would be the perfect Christmas gift from them to me.

It's a terrible thing. I've ruined it all. There are things that just doesn't have solutions or cures. There are things that just can't be forgiven. One of them is the cause of this pain.

And I have to accept that fact. I have to face the reality of never getting back to the how well things go the way they used to go. I have to put it in mind, that I can never do anything to bring back what I've lost. There is no solution. Things like this can never be patched up.

It's like I took all the self-respect out of the person and smacked it in her own face. It was too much demoralization.

I just had the Hiroshima bombing of my life for a simple stupid thing that could've been prevented if I acted out correctly. I lost all the good things that used to be in the spot where the Hate bomb landed. All gone. Demolished. Exterminated. And I was the one who flicked the switch.

The damage was vast and beyond repair. There is nothing that I can do.

Only time will take charge.

And I am placing all of this in time's hands. The memory of what has happened can never fade. The pain brought upon by my actions are still fresh even after a hundred years have passed.

But as time goes by, greater and much more beautiful things will come. Things that can surpass even the most irreparable damages brought.

Let time do the healing.

Things pass Pinky, I only have time to rely on to help heal the damage that I've caused. The only thing that I can do is to stay away and not let my stupidity be of any trouble anymore.

I obviously can't rely on myself to make up for the damages. I go into a stupidity berserk rage when I want to make up for things, which is by far the most unwanted acts of all. I do stupid things that only makes things worse than worst.

I hope I can get my act together.

I want to say sorry to her everyday Pinky. In the sincerest ways possible.

Sorry for the pain. This thing is unforgivable, and I accept the fact that I can never put my place back in your heart again. I will just be that stupid guy that ruined everything.

Sincerely yours,
Sancho

Legga Più...