Flowers

There she was, garnering all the flashes of the camera. She was all-smiles, surrounded by all her visitors.

She was wearing her long, black, sparkling, and elegant gown.

One by one, her guests took her hand. One by one they placed those glimmering tulips on her hand. Those flowers were as fresh as the morning mist.

Every movement was calculated. Thank goodness for the rehearsals and the cruel instructors. They would've never made it in time.

Each of the partners' dance was perfect. The timing was right, the steps were fit enough to be called heavenly. This night was truly something to remember.

It was her night after all. Again all the flashes of the cameras came and all her guests delivered the very best claps that they have.

Her smiles were nothing compared to mine. Before the night ended, mom and dad gave their speeches to the guests. They really have to make it public. They really have to use the microphone on how they vigorously proclaim that she is the one and only pride of our family.

Every officemates, business partners, and family friends have to hear that you are the brightest among the two of us.

The scholar.
The magna cumlaude.
The model.
The ultra-talented daughter.
The beautiful and lovely Adelaida.

Yeah, it always had to be this way. I was always under the shadow of your glory. I was always the unknown child.

Everytime that they we have so-called family gathering, you were the only daughter there is and I had to stay in my room.

For what? For just a simple reason of I-am-not-worthy.

Don't you ever get tired of being a trophy?

Well, I do. I am so tired. I am tired at the sight of you, being their trophy. I always am tired of you hogging all the attention. Everyday I get sick of all the praises you get from them. I never existed.

You are the smarter one -- Magna Cum Laude, academic scholar, a council member of an international social organization, and a leader of a youth foundation is what you are.

I am smart too. I got a 90 on my latest average and I give tutoring services to our neighbors. And I always try my best in school and especially at what I do.

You are the prettier one -- Modelling activities here and there, promotions for our family business, and social gatherings with mom and dad. You were always radiant and glamorous.

Uhm, I was once featured in a school poster too you know. My classmates said I was pretty even though I'm not at the center.

You are the talented one -- You're into sports(and a lot of them too), you can sing beautifully, and you can dance perfect enough to win a contest. You can play classical tunes with your guitar as good as the ones we see at concerts.

Well, I can play the guitar, and my teachers says I'm really good at it.

I wonder when mom and dad will even notice that I am doing great at school and helping out others. And that I am really good-looking even if I don't wear any make-up and that I can play lots of good tunes with this guitar of mine.

I know you know these things about me. And most especially, I know that you actually know how I feel. But you never ask. It's as if you were just a robot with no emotions. Yes you are a good child. Yes you are a what every single parent wants. And yes, you are the best person in our whole family.

But you were never a good sister. I know you were not always like that. I really love and adore you when we were young. But you've changed. You've changed a lot. You were eaten by all these extravagance and pride that you forgot that I existed.

You forgot your little sister that has always adored and loved you throughout these times.

You took all the love from me, Adelaida.

Well, I hope you are happy now. You can rest well now, and get off from all these activities of yours.

You're just there in bed, struggling to stay alive with that life support of yours. I hope you liked the flowers in your room. They're from me. I planted them myself, in the garden that we used to play. In the very same garden that the closest sisters in the world used to stay.

That was us.

I guess I should'nt have hit you too hard on the head. I'm sorry. And I know that pushing you down that high staircase of ours would cause you pain and probably death. Again, I am sorry.

But you should be sorry too. For ruining my life. For taking away mom and dad's love from me. For being so perfect.

And now mom and dad is having a hard time on how they're going to tell our neighbors, family friends, business partners and officemates on how you accidentally fell on the staircase and hit your head on the floor.

Suits them well. Let them have a hard time covering up the insanity that their worthless, younger daughter brought up.

Fine. Go ahead. Tell them everything that is necessary to not know how you ended up being dependent on a life support. It's a pitiful tragedy that this ever happened to our perfect family, Adelaida.

Oh, I'm sorry. To YOUR family, is what I really mean.

Well at least mom and dad did great on covering up for the two of us. For your little accident, and my trip to the asylum.

International education really is a very good cover-up.

I hope you liked those flowers. I planted them myself.

Legga Più...

Vday

Isang araw sa isang taon, nagmamahal ang bulaklak.
Dumadami ang konsumo ng tsokolate.
Mahaba ang pila sa Motel.
Madami ang kumakain sa mamahaling restaurants.

Lahat ito naganap sa isang araw na hinihintay ko ding dumating ngayong taon.

Nagdaan lahat ang mga bagay na ito sa aking mga mata. Tsokolate at bulaklak. Mga magkasintahang napakatamis ng samahan at nagsusubuan pa ng ulam sa isang sosyal na kainan. Mga sunod-sunod na pasok ng sasakyan sa mga Motel na talaga namang mapapailing ang mga pari at madre na sapagkat malamang ay iilan lamang dito ang may basbas ng matrimonyo ng kasal.

Ano nga ba ang dahilan at hinihintay ko sa araw na ito? Para sa isang taong nag-iisa lang naman sa buhay at walang itinuturing na espesyal na kasama ay isang malaking kahibangan para antayin pa ang araw na ito. It's a big fucking joke, or a fucking big joke, alin man ang mauna sa big at fucking, joke pa din ito.

Mataas din ang paghahangad kong maging maligaya ng lubos sa inaasahan sa araw na ito. Sa paanong paraan ay yun na ang malaking kababalaghan na tinatamasa ko.

Hindi naman laging ganito. Natatandaan ko pa din naman noon ang mga pangyayari.

Planado na ang lahat. Susundo ako dala ang regalong nakaubos ng isang buong araw para lamang makita ko. Kasama naman nito ang tsokolate at bulaklak. Iintayin kang makatapos sa paghahanda mo at pagbibihis na kahit abutin pa ng isang taon ay mananatili pa din akong excited sa paghihintay. Paglabas mo ng kwarto mo ay tila ba ako'y nasabugan ng atomic bomb ng kaligayahan. Napakaganda mo at perpekto ka ngayong araw na ito. Wala na akong hahanapin pa.

Magpupunta sa kung saang mall, manunood ng sine, kakain, magpapalipas oras habang umiinom ng 140 pesos na kape, at magkukuwentuhan ng mga bagay na tayo lang ang nakakaintindi kahit Tagalog din naman ang salita natin. Isang araw na punung-puno ng komersiyalismo.

Matatapos ang buong araw at uuwi tayo na taglay ang kaligayahan natin sa ating mga puso. Mamaalam ako sa iyo sabay mahihiyang manghingi ng isang halik. Halik na mauuwi sa isang gabing punung-puno ng makamundong pagnanasa gamit ang ating mga katawan at mga makakating mga isip.

Masaya sana kung ganun ang sitwasyon ngayon. Pero niloloko ko lang pala ang sarili ko kung umaasa pa akong matutupad ang mga plano ko para sa araw na ito.

Kumpleto ang lahat. Mayroon akong kotseng gagamitin sa pagsundo sa iyo. May bulaklak, tsokolate, pabangong nabanggit mong gusto mong bilhin. May kasama pang sulat at stuff toy. Planado na ang bagay na nakasanayan natin. May sobra pang dinner reservations sa isang sosyal na hotel.

Ikaw na lang ang wala.

Nakakatawa. Para akong sintu-sinto. Nakakatakot sa ganitong antas pero wala akong magagawa. Nakasanayan ko na ito. Ang maghanda kada Valentines.

Ito ang iisang araw sa isang taon na hinihintay ko. Corny, cheesy, baduy, o kung ano pang term ang naiisip mo, sabihin mo lang. Ito na ang araw ko. Wala kang pakialam.

Alam ko naman kung nasaan ka ngayon. Kasama mo ang boyfriend mo sa kung saang pampublikong pasyalan. Siguro kumakain din kayo. Siguro may tsokolate ka din at bulaklak. Siguro nasubukan mo na ang gusto mong pabango na ang boypren mo ang nagbigay.


Ayos lang. Diyan ka na lang. Happy Valentines sayo.

Matutunaw ang tsokolate, malalanta ang bulaklak, mag-e-evaporate ang pabango, at maluluma ang stuff toy.

Pero ang pag-ibig ko? Hindi magbabago.

Sa susunod na taon na lang ulit. Baka sakaling matanggap mo na ang mga inihanda ko para sa iyo.

Legga Più...

Birthday

Isang araw sa buhay natin na nagpapaalala sa atin na may katapusan ang mortal nating katawan dito sa lupa.

Ang nagtatakda ng bilang sa kung saan dapat ay akma na ang ating katayuan sa buhay.

Ang bilang na tagatakda ng panahon ng pag-aasawa.
Ang bilang na nagtatakda ng panahon ng pag-iwas sa bisyo at pag-aalaga sa kalusugan.
Ang bilang na nagtatakda sa pagtigil sa pagtatrabaho at mabigyan ng kaukulang tulong ng gobyerno.

Ang araw na isinilang ka sa mundo.

Sa araw na ito, nagdidiwang ka sa pamamagitan ng paghahanda at pagsasaya. Ito ang araw mo. Ikaw at ang mga kapareho mo ang nagmamay-ari ng buong araw na ito.

Ito ang araw ng iyong kaligayahan.

Subalit para sa akin, ito na ang simula ng pamamaalam.

= = = = = = = = = = = = =

Tinungo ko ang inyong tahanan upang bistahin ka at kamustahin. Araw mo ito. Marahil ito na ang tamang panahon upang mamaalam. Isang mainam na marka ang aking iiwan sa nag-iisang araw mo sa buong taon.

Paalam sa nakaraang samahan. Sa nakalipas na panahon ng kaligayahan at sa alaalang pilit sinasariwa sa araw-araw.

Paalam na.

Pilitin mang ibalik sa dating mapayapang mga oras na tinatamasa natin ang piling ng isa't-isa'y di na magaganap pa.

Wala na ang kaarawan mong pinagsasaluhan natin sa bawat taon.

Wala nang kahulugan ang pagbisita ko sa iyong kaarawan. Isa na lamang ako sa maraming taong sinasalubong mo at pinapapasok upang kumain, bagkus ay hahayaan na lamang makihalubilo sa ibang bisita.

Narito na lamang ako't kasama ng mga kaibigan nating kumakanta na lamang sa videoke habang pinagmamasdan kang maligayang kumakain kasama ang iyong kasintahan. Nababalot ng masasayang tawanan ang kalungkutan ko subalit kailangang gawin ito.

Paalam.

Nawa'y nagustuhan mo ang aking regalo. Alagaan mo ito ng husto. Gaano man ito kasimple, nawa'y sa tuwing makikita mo ito ay maaalala mo ang katauhan ko. Na minsan may isang taong nagbigay sayo ng galak at kasiyahan.

Hindi na ito ang regalong inaasahan mo. Alam kong mula sa iba na ang tunay na regalong makapagbibigay sa iyo ng ligaya.

Ang bigay ko'y isa na lamang bagay na binalot ng papel at maaaring ang pinakahuli mong bubuksan.

Paalam.

Alam kong sa oras na ako'y makauwi, hindi ang tawag ko ang iyong hinihintay. Matatapos na lamang sa isang maligayang araw ng pagdiriwang ang ating nakaraang pag-iibigan.

Dito ko na lamang iiwanan sa iyong kaarawan ang lahat ng aking nararamdaman.

Paalam.

Ngayong kaarawan mo ang magiging paalala ko sa aking sarili na kalimutan ka. Ikaw at ang araw na ito.

Ito ang aking panimula. Magmula ngayon, sa iyong kaarawan hanggang sa kailanman ako abutin ng pamamayapa ng aking isipan, at sisimulan ko na ang paglakad mula sa iyong anino. Maligaya ka na, hindi dahil kaarawan mo, subalit wala na ako sa piling mo.

Matatapos na ang kaarawan mo.

Hanggang sa susunod na kaarawan mo, nawa'y naroon pa din ako, kahit man lang sa alaala mo.

Legga Più...

Lakad Pauna

Your past love and her boyfriend are having the time of their lives.

Ever-so-happy, eternal bliss is what they have in each other's arms. A perfect moment for them and the never-ending damnation for your heart.

You sulk and die almost everyday for the time that they are together. Flashes of your past pass by your eyes every night until you cry yourself to sleep.

What can be so wrong of wishing that they separate and prove yourself to her that you can be the person that she is yearning for?

Perhaps, it is not so wrong.

But wishes can sometimes go over the border and can be fulfilled more than what you wanted. Be careful of what you wished for... as warned by the Wishmaster.

Years go by, you get used to the feeling of being alone and you've decided to let go.

YOU FINALLY LET GO.

She makes you realize that she is the last thing you need in your life right now. She matters the least, and that you practically have no point in placing her in this miserable life of yours.

You face the fact. You find no excuse for her reasons of not loving you anymore and you accept it, whole-heartedly.

You scrap what the two of you had throughout all those years -- good times, sweet moments, and the feeling of being loved and cared for -- as if it was a piece of paper that you crumpled and threw down in the trash bin.

Life is a maniacal villain waiting to gobble your supply of oxygen at any given moment. You can't tell when.

Your ex-girlfriend's boyfriend suddenly vanishes without a trace. She was left behind, without any given reason or closure.

She was perhaps, duped. Tsk tsk tsk.

And she is left with nothing but the darkness of being alone. Thanks to the power of your wish.

You secretly smile from afar.

Would you take her back? Perhaps.

Would you comfort her and tell her that you're there? Possibly, but not quite.

Would you pursue the lost feelings that you've had for her all throughout your life? Maybe.

There is no certainty with all of this thoughts of you and her. As a matter of fact, you are now free.

All you could do is smile. Smile that she is in pain. Smile that she is suffering. Smile that you never-ever be the person that she can run to. You don't need her. She has no place in your heart.

Smile and walk away. Walk away from her. You don't want to be trapped in that feeling you were in, last few years ago.

Yes. The feeling is sweet.

You are free.

Legga Più...