It's amazing how a single stick of cigarette can conjure images and ideas that remain dormant in your mind for most of the time. It's just like coffee, only made of air molecules that seem like a solidified state since you can see it in puffs and puffs of white mist seeping out your mouth.
And look! I'm in English now! See, it's amazing. How an inactive foreign vocabulary can suddenly awaken due to the Nicotine rush and God-knows-what material is also in that cigarette.
I'm going to be in a state of deep-thinking and analysis for the next days to come. The result will be brutal of course, but it's no biggie. I've psyched myself for the most definite result-- which is failure. Call me pessimistic, but that's all I see. And the blame is on me, for letting all those precious time slip away like a handful of sand sliding between the spaces of my fingers. I've been given an ample, or should I say a humongous amount of time but then again it all went down the toilet. Flushed like a dead fish. The typical "time is gold" does not work for me. I do not believe that that time is such, because I should be freakin' rich right now for having so much time on my hands.
My mom would be disappointed. She was hoping all her prayers would help me get through this ordeal. I've wasted her efforts more than before. I wish she would be okay after the news that I have let her down, and I have let myself down for that matter.
Of all the people in our batch, it seems that I am last fish in the bowl, the one that gets left out. I'd be the first person to die in an Armageddon-like scenario. The first guy to be eaten by whatever monster or beast that attacks the city.
Loserrific.
I've never been too eager to get things done in this point of my life. I've always been the happy-go-lucky person I've always been -- not a care in the world, for as long as I take part in what simple task that I am supposed to give out, it's all cool.
If things require more effort, I'd surely have all the reason in the world not to engage in such things. It's not that I don't want it, there's just this inexplicable force that hinders me from doing anything. All the desire to do them would flicker drastically, just like a busted flourescent light, up until it just dies away.
My life is a big pile of uncertainty. It's quite ironic how I deal with everyday decisions thinking of nothing more than what I should do just to avoid the very same decision that needs immediate deciding.
Pathetic.
TODAY is the day before I take the qualifying exam.
With a knowledge pool that's probably a little less than 20% of what should be more than 100 (which would be all the accumulated knowledge that I've gained if only I decided to study more and blog less), it's pretty much a miracle if I would be writing here the next time, bragging about how I passed the exam.
Everyone else is busy.
But me? Just in my little corner of exile. My mind is floating in the sea of never-ending nothingness.
Blankly staring at the buildings in front of me with my fingers automatically typing these words.
What will happen to me?
I don't know. All I know is that if ever life slaps me at this very moment, with all the bitterness and negativeness that it accumulated over the past years, I wouldn't give a damn. I wouldn't even budge.
That distinct smell and taste of the cigarrete still lingers on in my mouth, my hand, and in my mind.
Smoking is dangerous for your health. But it can sometimes free excess untouched blogging materials inside each of the crevices of your brain.
Have I made any point here? Of course. NOT.
I'll just have to smile the day away.
Loserrific.
Give me some more of that smoke.
And look! I'm in English now! See, it's amazing. How an inactive foreign vocabulary can suddenly awaken due to the Nicotine rush and God-knows-what material is also in that cigarette.
= = = = = = = = = = =
I'm going to be in a state of deep-thinking and analysis for the next days to come. The result will be brutal of course, but it's no biggie. I've psyched myself for the most definite result-- which is failure. Call me pessimistic, but that's all I see. And the blame is on me, for letting all those precious time slip away like a handful of sand sliding between the spaces of my fingers. I've been given an ample, or should I say a humongous amount of time but then again it all went down the toilet. Flushed like a dead fish. The typical "time is gold" does not work for me. I do not believe that that time is such, because I should be freakin' rich right now for having so much time on my hands.
My mom would be disappointed. She was hoping all her prayers would help me get through this ordeal. I've wasted her efforts more than before. I wish she would be okay after the news that I have let her down, and I have let myself down for that matter.
Of all the people in our batch, it seems that I am last fish in the bowl, the one that gets left out. I'd be the first person to die in an Armageddon-like scenario. The first guy to be eaten by whatever monster or beast that attacks the city.
Loserrific.
= = = = = = = = = = =
I've never been too eager to get things done in this point of my life. I've always been the happy-go-lucky person I've always been -- not a care in the world, for as long as I take part in what simple task that I am supposed to give out, it's all cool.
If things require more effort, I'd surely have all the reason in the world not to engage in such things. It's not that I don't want it, there's just this inexplicable force that hinders me from doing anything. All the desire to do them would flicker drastically, just like a busted flourescent light, up until it just dies away.
My life is a big pile of uncertainty. It's quite ironic how I deal with everyday decisions thinking of nothing more than what I should do just to avoid the very same decision that needs immediate deciding.
Pathetic.
= = = = = = = = = = =
TODAY is the day before I take the qualifying exam.
With a knowledge pool that's probably a little less than 20% of what should be more than 100 (which would be all the accumulated knowledge that I've gained if only I decided to study more and blog less), it's pretty much a miracle if I would be writing here the next time, bragging about how I passed the exam.
Everyone else is busy.
But me? Just in my little corner of exile. My mind is floating in the sea of never-ending nothingness.
Blankly staring at the buildings in front of me with my fingers automatically typing these words.
What will happen to me?
I don't know. All I know is that if ever life slaps me at this very moment, with all the bitterness and negativeness that it accumulated over the past years, I wouldn't give a damn. I wouldn't even budge.
That distinct smell and taste of the cigarrete still lingers on in my mouth, my hand, and in my mind.
Smoking is dangerous for your health. But it can sometimes free excess untouched blogging materials inside each of the crevices of your brain.
Have I made any point here? Of course. NOT.
I'll just have to smile the day away.
Loserrific.
Give me some more of that smoke.
